A very good friend of mine asked what it was really about me being happy in the present. It was actually quite funny as it is something she had said once that made me realize how important the present was and what was wrong in my life back then.
She said that she was feeling much better, because she did much less longing. Back then I couldn’t get rid of longing in my life, but now somehow it is all happening. I’ll always remember what she said about how not longing made her happier. It just does.
To make it a bit more clear…
These last few months I spent on this amazing island of Tenerife re-shaped me very much. It was incredibly intense. Those months made me learn and understand many many things. I got to know myself and accepted me for whoever and however I am. Wonderful things happened as well as quite bad ones. And all the way through I was realizing that it is all just about learning. I did feel the good, and let myself feel the bad. And in the end I understood why those things came to my life. And I chose to learn from them. As soon as that happened, the intensity of all of it went away. And so I started to see life as a series of lessons – and as lessons they are there to help us go in our best direction, to choose a better path. So nothing that’s happening is actually bad. Since I’ve understood this, come what may, I do not really get upset (for more than a little while haha). Because in the course of our lives, in the course of all the things in the world, what does it really matter if I lose that much money or if I lose that job or if he doesn’t love me? The situation is simply just what it is. Let go of anything else.
And here is where the present comes in.
I was reading The power of now from Eckhart Tolle.
I have a very rich past, including all good and bad: sexual abuse, city life, heartbreaks, many ways of arts and crafts, traveling 4 continents, learning and donig at least 20 kinds of jobs indoors and out, love and joy and true freedom. And I am here in this tiny village where not many people are really interested in all those things. To outsiders I am whom they expect to see: a 21 year-old barmaid (which I take with thanks :D), who is young and fragile and doesn’t know much about life. And of course at times it bothered me. I am not used to not being known. And then I read this one sentence in this book that made it all clear. That our ego holds on to the past, our ego is the one that keeps it so present in our lives.
Because who are we without our past?
And then I realized, my past doesn’t define me. I know who I am and what I’ve been through. Others don’t and won’t. That is how it is. The most important thing is that our core is the same regardless of the past. It only matters who we choose to be right now.
And then the future.
I was watching a video actually back in Tenerife from Eckhart Tolle (which made me want to read the book). And there was one sooooo good point in it. About problems and worries and fears. That they are the product of our self-created future. In our heads. But the problem or the consequence has not happened yet. We are just scared/worried that they might happen. So the question to ask ourselves is: What is the problem right now? Is there anything wrong at this very moment? Right now there can be no problem or fear. If something is happening at this very moment, then fear and worry can’t be present anymore, because they only exist in the future. Fear and worry only relates to a possible bad outcome in the future. So the present is always peaceful. If we manage to stay in the present, with our thoughts and hearts and whole being, nothing is going to be anything less than perfect.
And yes, there can be difficulties. But then if a situation is really not suiting us, then we have three choices that will give us peace of mind. Change the situation to what we want it to be. If we can’t change the situation we can completely and 100% surrender to it and accept it. If that is not what we want then we can leave the situation and let go. I know I am not saying anything new here, but these revelations came to me like a domino effect, waking up this deep understanding in me.
About time as a whole.
One day was a very special day for me. For that very moment I understood time. You know the feeling when for one brief glimpse you get the whole picture, you understand perfectly the workings of the universe. And then it is beyond understanding. I can explain what it was but I do not have it in me anymore. So that moment when time came clear, that was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I realized that time was really just an illusion, it really does not exist. The present is all that exists. We are in the present and the present is in us. The past only exists in the present, it is only accessible from here. The future exists already at this very moment. All possible futures exist right now. Like a giant plain with a gazillion stars in it. And we just pick that one particular star, that one particular event in the future that we want. The future is AMAZING! It is all connected, it is all one. It is all just now.
When you try to draw “time”
There is always a Golden Mean
And then the last and maybe the one point that I have missed completely until now. Since I have been on this spiritual journey I closed more and more, I withdrew and I surrendered. The more at peace I was the more steady and still I and my life was. I was grounded. No emotions taking over, no big ups and downs. Which is great from a spiritual point of view, and it felt liberating to be so much at peace, to be so much in balance. But then at times something or someone would get me out of it, in a good way, and I would have great fun! I would only realize how good and important it was when it actually happened. And then I would start floating and wouldn’t be able to find the ground again. This total balance would be gone and I would be feeling my emotions a bit more strongly, my waves of ups and downs would be a bit bigger, not that flat anymore. So I didn’t understand, should I stay in total balance and shut the world out? Or should I have fun and be willing to be a bit more wavy?
The meaning of life?
After all these years of searching and traveling and trying and learning I finally understood that the point of life is not more and not less than life itself. So of course we are supposed to have fun, of course we have to enjoy being alive, enjoy having this beautiful body and heart. Total equilibrium is just one end. There is always a golden mean for everyone and that is all we have to find for ourselves.
In very practical terms, these days if a difficulty comes, even if it was something significant… I do get upset or frustrated of course and start to worry, but just for a little while. And then I realize it all does not matter that much. It is just money, just a job, just a relationship… My life is complete with or without it. And here comes again not longing. I realized that by being here and now we don’t need anything else. I think traveling helped me in this aspect too. This last half a year or so, maybe even more, whenever and wherever I am, I am there and then. I can’t focus on another place or time. I know it sounds unusual but I truly usually do not miss people or past circumstances, things, even if they were the best things in my life. This is probably the reason I do not hold on to “souvenirs” and don’t have many possessions either. If I am in Scotland, I do not miss my Tenerife life, or my Hungarian life or my Indonesian life anymore. Not the life and not anything that comes with it. Not in the usual sense of missing. I remember of course and my heart is burning happy with those memories, but it is in no way a feeling with any negativity in it. I do not feel less complete or less happy without it. It is not missing from my life, it is all a part of it. Right now.
Cherish this moment my friends, it is all we have : )